On the Run

Running is becoming an interesting thing... it's already becoming like a drug. I can feel myself craving it; though the chocolate is currently winning (at least it's dark chocolate, and I only had 2 pieces!)

However, running has a different meaning for me tonight. I was brought to realize how often in my past I've run from someone when they got "too" close. I've worked hard to hide most of my insecurities, and when I become good enough friends or become so far involved with someone that I'm ready to start sharing some of those issues, I either leave or push them away to the point that they leave. For so long, I have lived with the titles that others have put on me... "ugly""stupid""fat" ...that I don't know which of those are true, and which are someone else's opinion of me. Ok, the fat one stares me in the face everytime I look in a mirror or step on a scale. The numbers don't lie; I need to lose some weight. But the other insults still whisper in my head to the point I want to cry some days. No matter how often I tell myself otherwise, those whispered labels drown out everything else.
There are 2 gentlemen that I number among my dearest friends, and yet they both terrify and intimidate me. Why would I count them friends then? Because they've never really seen me, and to a point, that makes them safe. Why do they terrify and intimidate me then, if they're friends? Because it was guys like them (money, good looking, intelligent... you get the picture) that made my life a living hell all the way through junior high and high school. I was never pretty enough, never had enough money, and (according to them) never smart enough to date the "good guys". I got my ass beat more than a few times during high school for allowing myself to "like" a guy. I could be friends with them, but heaven help me if I started "liking" them! So I learned to hide, and run. It's a shame how much the words of kids that I haven't seen in decades (and will probably never see again) still hurt so much. But, in that running, I've never learn to let my walls down and to find some healing.
Running has become comfortable for my soul, not so much for my body. I think its time to reverse the roles, and let my body find comfort in the exercise while my soul finds comfort in some healing.
WTB running shoes for the soles and a 20lb. sledgehammer for the soul...