Oh, the guilt...

So, for those of you that may not be acquainted with weightwatchers (WW), you usually get so many points a day to eat, plus 35 weekly allowance points. Well yesterday, at our family's mini draft-day party, I managed to obliterate 22 of those 35 points... in ONE DAY!!! Most of it during dinner. I'd hate to see what that number would've been, had I actually made the mozzi stix, too! They also give you negative points, if you will, for activities. I'm getting better at racking those up each week, so again, that makes me feel a little better.
I hate trying to lose weight. The process usually has me bored by the time I'm 2 weeks into it, at which point I usually give up and deal with all the lovely negative emotions that go along with that. I'm trying to get past that point this time. I love the way my body feels after a good round of exercise, and even better if I've fueled myself properly that day, as well. So why do I let it go after just a few weeks? I think it may be due to lack of support in the house. My husband doesn't really care one way or the other, and our roommate eats enough junk to keep a convenience store in business. I've started posting on the WW forums, trying to find friends and support there, but in someways, it just isn't the same. Oh well. We'll see how things are in another week or so.

Moving and other updates

Moving sucks, for a multitude of reasons. Ok, not a multitude, but enough.

To be fair, I usually enjoy moving... going to a new place, meeting new people... even the packing, to a point. But when one is moving within the same town (and for me right now, the same complex) where it's a lot of small loads, going back and forth, for days at a time... it drains the life out of me. All I want to do at the end of the day (or middle of the day, or whenever) is collapse into a gooey pile somewhere. Especially when I'm trying to keep my daughters' schedules as normal as possible.

Now, throw in the fact that I've started getting serious about my weight loss/exercise/eating program. Moving puts a real dent in my time availability. Some would argue that moving in and of itself is good exercise (believe me, 4 flights of stairs 20 times a day is NO joke!), but my body's craving more, and I don't have the time, and it's incredibly frustrating. I don't want to get out of the habit before I can completely get into it!!

The upside of moving is that its a great opportunity to sort through all those things I'd been putting off for so long. "I'll do it later..." is suddenly "I've got to do this now!" Perfect excuse for tossing papers and magazines that haven't been looked at in months, if not years (don't tell the husband :D)!!

On yet another note, I went and signed up for WeightWatchers again. I did reasonably well on it last time without exercising, so it stands to reason that doing it again with exercise will increase the results; and I'll take that equation any day of the week! So for the full effect, I'll be posting "beginning" pictures sometime before next Monday (keep a paper nearby, so you can cover them up, so your screen doesn't assplode!)

On the Run

Running is becoming an interesting thing... it's already becoming like a drug. I can feel myself craving it; though the chocolate is currently winning (at least it's dark chocolate, and I only had 2 pieces!)

However, running has a different meaning for me tonight. I was brought to realize how often in my past I've run from someone when they got "too" close. I've worked hard to hide most of my insecurities, and when I become good enough friends or become so far involved with someone that I'm ready to start sharing some of those issues, I either leave or push them away to the point that they leave. For so long, I have lived with the titles that others have put on me... "ugly""stupid""fat" ...that I don't know which of those are true, and which are someone else's opinion of me. Ok, the fat one stares me in the face everytime I look in a mirror or step on a scale. The numbers don't lie; I need to lose some weight. But the other insults still whisper in my head to the point I want to cry some days. No matter how often I tell myself otherwise, those whispered labels drown out everything else.
There are 2 gentlemen that I number among my dearest friends, and yet they both terrify and intimidate me. Why would I count them friends then? Because they've never really seen me, and to a point, that makes them safe. Why do they terrify and intimidate me then, if they're friends? Because it was guys like them (money, good looking, intelligent... you get the picture) that made my life a living hell all the way through junior high and high school. I was never pretty enough, never had enough money, and (according to them) never smart enough to date the "good guys". I got my ass beat more than a few times during high school for allowing myself to "like" a guy. I could be friends with them, but heaven help me if I started "liking" them! So I learned to hide, and run. It's a shame how much the words of kids that I haven't seen in decades (and will probably never see again) still hurt so much. But, in that running, I've never learn to let my walls down and to find some healing.
Running has become comfortable for my soul, not so much for my body. I think its time to reverse the roles, and let my body find comfort in the exercise while my soul finds comfort in some healing.
WTB running shoes for the soles and a 20lb. sledgehammer for the soul...

Of Food and Friends...

Yesterday morning I got a wild hair to go for a run. Me... yeah, right. So, I carried my happy self up to the gym and hit the treadmill, not expecting to do much more than walk. That's all I ever do, since running/jogging makes my asthma act up and breathing becomes incredibly difficult. But, what the hell... a few minutes in, I start a slow jog. And I jogged. Then walked for a few more minutes. Then jogged some more... all with only mild breathing issues. WHAT?? Out of that 20 minute treadmill session, I probably jogged 5-6 minutes of it. Not a lot, but not bad for someone who hasn't been able to run for the last 13 years. (I'm getting to the food, I promise...)
So today, I'm on full runner's high... my body wants back on that treadmill at a full sprint so bad I can almost taste it. Who would've thought I'd be becoming a runner at my age? But the thought brings the problem: how do I change my diet? No, not as in restricting my food intake until you can count my ribs from a mile away; but to eat correctly for the exercise that my body is apparently craving? I spent a good portion of my afternoon (while waiting for the WoW servers to come back up) looking up so-called "runner's diets"... the prognosis isn't good. I can't really eat like this with a family and being a full-time student. I need something that is quick and easy, yet fulfills the nutritional needs. If anyone has something, please let me know!
Which brings me around to the friends part, which also occurred yesterday. I have a lot of people in WoW (that's World of Warcraft, for those of you that are in a cave somewhere...) that I call friends; that's just me. I don't need you to live next door for me to try to get to know you a bit. However, for all of my "friends", I also understand that the feelings are not necessarily always reciprocated. So when I get a chance to see that a "friend" is truly a friend, it always makes my day.
By the way, coffee's ready...

Silly holidays

Nothing more perturbing than climbing back on the weight loss road, only to have the gym closed for the weekend due to the holiday. Hooray for the "home gym" and videos!


Happy Easter!

The word of the day...

...is OW! Apparently since my last stint in the gym, my muscles have forgotten what they're supposed to do and feel like afterwards. The sad part is, my workout wasn't particularly strenuous yesterday; barely any weight at all. It's kind of depressing, really. And, as if to add insult to injury, I'm going to go back today for some good solid cardio...

Yay me!

The first step is always the hardest

So, I finally got off my tush and made it to the gym today (by no means my first workout since starting this journey, but the first one in the gym). Since there's this wonderful thing called a scale there, I stepped on it (NO! I am NOT giving you numbers!)... it was almost enough to make me cry. The good news is, it hasn't gone up since the last time I was active. But it hasn't gone down, either. So, my first goal is going to be to lose 10% of my current weight. While that will not put me anywhere near my healthy weight, it will be a step in the right direction.
I'll keep you posted.
Hell, I may even post pictures... maybe.

To start...

First and foremost, I'm going to blame my best friend over at Ihaspc for wanting me to get (back?) into blogging... Thank you so much, darling.
I intend this to be my road to weight loss (hence the title), but I'm sure that other items will make an appearance when the subject deserves the notice. But for now, I'm just going to say 'ello to the bloggerhood.